


I Don't Love You, And I Never Did.

by topnotchcockles



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Betrayal, Castiel (Supernatural)-centric, Castiel Needs a Hug, Cheating, Cheating Castiel, Dean is just lonely don't blame my bb, Heartbreak, Hurt Castiel, Hurt Sam Winchester, I love them all sm why do I do this crie, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Lost Love, M/M, Pain, Partner Betrayal, Past Relationship(s), Sad Ending, Sam Winchester Angst, Sam Winchester Needs a Hug, Sam Winchester-centric, Sam-Centric, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Unintentional Cheating, Unintentional Heartbreak, past self-harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-11
Updated: 2017-06-11
Packaged: 2018-11-12 20:41:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11169684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/topnotchcockles/pseuds/topnotchcockles
Summary: Castiel and Dean have been in a relationship once, and had strong feelings for each other before they decided to break it off with the decision that it was for the best. They still had feelings for one another, craved the touch and warmth of the other. Even after Castiel got together with Sam - made promises that he "loved no one other than you".Castiel loved Sam, and he made sure of that. And Sam took him in with open arms, embraced every touch and feeling. But unbeknownst to him, when Castiel saw Dean in the bar just outside of the town he and Sam were staying at – their perfect world was about to crumble.





	I Don't Love You, And I Never Did.

**Author's Note:**

> This was initially a small ficlet I wrote on my Instagram, but many people grew to love it so I've written a full story for it. I didn't intend to make it this sad and intended to write a happy ending - but unless people want more parts to be written, I'll leave it at this. <3 Enjoy, my darlings.

Castiel and Dean have been in a relationship once, and had strong feelings for each other before they decided to break it off with the decision that it was for the best. They still had feelings for one another, craved the touch and warmth of the other. Even after Castiel got together with Sam - made promises that he "loved no one other than you".

Castiel loved Sam, and he made sure of that. And Sam took him in with open arms, embraced every touch and feeling. But unbeknownst to him, when Castiel saw Dean in the bar just outside of the town he and Sam were staying at – their perfect world was about to crumble.

Dean had offered the blue-eyed man a drink, followed by many more. Castiel took them all willingly. They eventually found themselves tumbling into the same bed that night – hands clawing and teeth bared. Their memories remained fogged when they woke the next morning.

 

When Castiel awoke, and turned to the partner in his bed, he jolts at the sight of green eyes peeking up at him with that same old, alluring smirk on his face. He fails to notice the light flashing from his phone on the side table. On the screen flashed - 8 missed calls and 5 messages from Sam.

He tends to the other for a while more, before slipping out of bed in search of his clothes. He pulls them on as Dean drifts back off with a soft murmur of “Night, Cass”. The angel makes quick work on his clothes and hair before leaving the room. He comes home to a sleep-deprived Sam, bags under his eyes and worry creased into his forehead. "Where were you?" He asks. Castiel stills, before merely saying "Out" and turning for the bathroom shower.

He rinses for a long while - rubs his eyes in an attempt to force the images of a certain green-eyed man out of his head. When he's dressed and out of the bathroom - he finds Sam in their bed, face pressed into Castiel's pillow.

Castiel joins him and tucks strands of hair behind his lover’s ear, unaware of the slight tremble of Sam's form – his lips unable to form syllables. Sam drifts off to the comfort of cotton surrounding his features.

 

When Sam wakes - Castiel is no longer with him. He rouses, limbs straining with effort and he pulls his slack body off the sheets and heads for the living room, where his partner sits with coffee in hand.

Sam falters, before stepping forward and sitting on the other end of the couch. If it weren't for the dull voices coming from TV, the house would've been dead silent.

"You're awake," Castiel starts, a tinge of surprise in his voice. "I didn't want to disturb you while you slept so I turned the volume down-"

"Where _were you_?"

Castiel pauses. Swallows, then opens his mouth to speak. "Bar."

"What were you doing?”

 

There’s a strange sort of stillness in the air, and it feels like Sam’s suffocating.

“Drinking.”

Sam can hear his blood rushing in his ears, his heart beating at an uneven rhythm. “With?”

A breath. ".. Dean."

Sam exhales and presses his face into his hands with a strangled gasp.

" _I'm sorry_."

A loud crash fills the room.

 

Sam's on his feet at the speed of light - thrusting himself forward by the balls of his feet, knees knocking into the coffee table and sending magazines and the pot of coffee to the ground.

The pot shatters, glass flying and coffee spilling onto the carpet. Sam's darting out of the living room before he realizes it, heading for their shared bedroom.

"Sam! " a voice calls out behind him. His head fails to turn. Sharps pricked at his bare feet - smouldering hot coffee burning into the epidermis.

And yet.. Nothing compared to the sharp pain in his heart.

 

Bile's rising in his throat - nausea smashing right into his sleep-muddled mind. He's teetering on the edge of unconsciousness, but he's pushing himself to keep going and _keep running_. His legs strain with the effort, and his head's pounding with the major movements he's making - almost sending him reeling with motion sickness.

So close, he's so close. Just a few more steps. One, two -

And he's throwing himself through the doorway and slamming the door behind him - a loud "THUMP" following him from the other side of the door..

Castiel.

"Sam!"

 

Sam pants heavily as he forces himself against the door as he locks it - pressing his forehead into solid wood. Just in case the other attempts to force himself into the room.

"Just go away,  Cas." He says softly, flinching at the vulnerability in his voice

"Please,  let me explain-"

"What is there to explain? "

"I'll tell you everything, just please - let me in."

Sam shakes his head, little knocking noises against the door.

 

"You don't even have to tell me.  I know everything. "

There's a pause, before he hears the very audible swallow from the other.

"What do you mean?"

Sam's eyes tear up with grief and he grits his teeth before slamming a tightly clenched fist against the barrier between them.

"I _saw them_ , Cas." He utters tearfully.  "The marks."

He clenched his eyes shut - vivid images of blue and purple blossoming on his beloved's skin.

"I have eyes.  I'm not blind,  and I'm not that foolish.  We haven't done it in weeks.  But yet when you came home.. _wearing_ that.."

 

He draws in a shaky breath, eyelashes fluttering as he stared at his shadow.

"With you being out with Dean last night, it doesn't take much to put two and two together. "

He turns where he stands,  his shoulder bumping into the door painfully.  He paid it no mind. Pressing his back against it, he pressed a hand to his trembling lip. " _Why?_ "

At that exact moment - the world came crashing down on him.

All the time he'd taken to build trust between them.. He can't even recognize his voice anymore.

"Was it all for nothing?" He whispered quietly - voice inaudible.

Being an angel, Sam knew Castiel could hear him.

 

But yet.. He's met by silence.

Then - the flutter of wings. Castiel's departure.

Time goes on ticking. His heart keeps beating. The dam breaks, falls apart.

Sam shuts his eyes, his body losing its strength and collapsing in a heap on the floor.

Life's lost its meaning.

 

His vision's blurry when he lifts his eyes from the safety of his arms - and he's met with the sight of the bathroom. Without thinking, he rises to his feet - the tendons teared up and wet with blood and worn-down skin. He pulls the door open, feet hitting the tiled floor with a soft patter, painting the tiles red.

He casts a glance to the tub. 'I could use a shower.' Sam thinks absently - turns on the water and reaches for one of the towels piled on the counter, before faltering.

_Why bother cleaning up the mess when it's too far gone?_

He turns away from it and steps out of his clothes instead. He opens the cabinet in hopes of getting his toothbrush and toothpaste for later.

Razors. Been a while since he touched them.

He'd stopped since he'd met Castiel. He decides it's time to make acquaintance with them again. He takes them and turns for the tub, stepping in.

 

The water's startling cold, a contrast to the burn in his legs. And yet.. Not cold enough to cool the heat in his heart. He does a quick rinse - no soap. Too much effort. Sam turns to the blades set on the side of the tub. He considers picking them up. Once again, the river comes rushing in. He doesn't have the energy.

'It's stupid,' he thinks. He smiles mockingly,  tear-soaked features contorting into a forced expression.

'No worth dying over an angel.'

He resigns, twisting his body and propping an arm against the side of the tub.

He could use some rest right now. He rests the side of his face against it, eyes fluttering shut. He's too tired.

 

'Maybe it'll be better when I wake up.' He thinks.

He casts a final glance to the opened door, breathes in his once perfect life - before letting his body go lax.

He gives in to the water's embrace - his eyes strain against the pressure of the ocean surrounding him.

The film in his eyes thins beneath the weight of the water, before he shuts them and sinks and drowns -

Along with his sanity.


End file.
